December 24th, 2025
In all that I have, I find myself absent of wanting. We are blessed.
December 17th, 2025
And so the struggle has begun. Or began long ago when the nation, our world, commenced in its collapse (a little dramatic, but I really mean on January 20, 2025). The struggle I allude to is that of my religion.
All my life I was raised Catholic, the entire ritual of it all — devouring the body of Christ, that dry slip of papery bread sticking and dissolving at the center of my tongue, drinking His blood to wash it down; all I thought while standing in front a robed, old white man at church in the swamps of Belle Chasse, Louisiana at eight in the morning was I’m so glad I had something to hold me over before breakfast.
It meant nothing to me. As a child, I believe I really wanted it to mean something, to belong wholeheartedly to this extravagant liturgy and congregation who gathered every Sunday (and Wednesday), finding connection under the ornate spires and in the grand echoing chamber of pews and bibles.
I have to admit, the view was humbling. Jesus on the Cross; it doesn’t get more humbling than that…
January 7th, 2025
With you, we walk in the snow for the first time. And the streetlights twinkle a little more in the dusk, a complimentary companion to the flurry waltz graciously spun by the ether.
Each step toward a shadow is a secret and we giggle and kiss through our balaclavas, the streetlights looking for us now.
We smile down at Frasier galloping in the now disturbed white Sea, a fathom of wishes, dreams, mysteries; our eyes meet, snapping each other’s moment in time, fleeting. Twenty minutes, twenty hours, the two of us can go on in the frost and revel in it to see the other gleam.
Next to me, I know you’re smiling.
November 10th, 2024
“I need to know…”
“Know…”
“Do you love me?”
“I love you.”
“With you, I never feel alone.”
“You’ll never be alone.”
“I’ve always felt alone, I thought I was going to be alone forever.”
“I always pictured you going to outer space. I was prepared to go after you. You were never going to be alone.”
“So you’re saying … you’re in love with me?”
“I am in love with you.”
“I feel like you’re my first and only love. Almost like the only romantic love I’ve ever known.”
“It’s the only one that matters. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved.”
“Ever?!”
“Ever. My first love.”
“All these years…”
“Yes, all these years I’ve loved you.”
“You thought about me?”
“All day, all night. Wondering what you were doing, how you were doing.”
“Baby..”
“Yes?”
“Thank you. Thank you so much.”
“No baby, thank you.”
“We’re blessed.”
“Very blessed.”
August 22nd, 2024
There’s this song called Son of a Preacher Man by Dusty Springfield. I find it to be interesting, (and also, extremely catchy) because throughout my life, I have attracted lots of PKs. I am not particularly pious, so I don’t know what about me has drawn them to me.
I suppose during those times. it was the same thing that attracted me to them that attracted them to me… the perception of innocence in a world that wasn’t so. Also, being so sheltered when I was younger, I suppose made me very green.
Anywhoo, I love that song.
June 5th, 2024
It’s interesting how much we change as we age. We do things we said we’d never do, and become people we couldn’t have imagined. In the best way, though.
I didn’t really understand romantic love for a long time. But Justin makes loving so easy, and loving him too much is never enough. It’s so peaceful. The more I love, the more peace I feel and I think vice-versa.
When we are apart, I just crave that peace. Me. Him. Frasier. I always thought it was fake. I’d watch people and think they’d be putting on a show, but now I know how real it is. And I’m so grateful. All I want to do all the time is hold his hand.
I’m in Maui, and I think of how much joy I would get from watching him see the sunset from Changz for the first time.
May 15th, 2024
I was invited to a house set on a Thursday night and you know I didn’t want to go. But once I got there, I couldn’t stop dancing.
They had this guy on the dance floor who was stepping to the beat and had his jacket wrapped around his waist. All his buddies were kinda just talking, but guy was going at it.
Every time I listen to house, I picture him dancing. Grooving with the lights flaring about us, people laughing and dancing. It was a great time.
April 29th, 2024
Succession is so good. Also, I’m in love!
March 1st, 2024
Ocho Rios // Daniel Caesar
February 26th, 2024
Today was the most beautiful and joyful day I’ve had in a long time. I am happy most days, but today, I felt a joy that can only be felt in a moment.
I walked two minutes to the beach on the reservoir. Purple, pink, and blue hues painted the sunset, and Frasier ran after me and his tail couldn’t stop wagging. Emma ran into me with Nana and she’s cool. It’s easy to vibe; her job is also really cool.
This summer is going to be so beautiful and so hot. I am expecting many guests when my greenhouse gets to a certain point. It will feel like a storybook.
Jon got too real on me today and called me out the psychological/philosophical way he does and now I’m a little scared.
February 19th, 2024
Romantic feelings don’t make sense to me at all, and that’s why I have to write about them.
Cayla is really good at sharing her feelings, and it’s really such a superpower. Her vulnerability is inspiring and with age comes more tact.
I know my inability to communicate feelings will be my downfall. But the people who love me and who I love know the depth of the well.
It’s just hard.
I sat with Hana yesterday for four hours. It’s fresh air and we talked about love a lot. Her and I feel quite the same about the subject, which I’m not sure is good or bad.
Then Lexi came over and sat across from me, and I can tell she’s in a wonderful bubble of fascination for a man. She said they talked on the phone ‘til 5am.
February 16th, 2024
I saw it, and I know it as I’ve experienced it before and witness it often. Sometimes, I think I found it, but it is just a disguise, disappointed when knowing deep down it was not the truth of what it seemed. Sometimes, I feel like I’m so close; other times, so far away.
I’m not looking for it, as I am content, but I do get excited by the thrill of finally having found it so that other parts of me may settle in it and know its peace.
In no rush, just so excited and exceptionally hopeful.
February 14th, 2024
February 5th, 2024
If it doesn’t feel like a dream,
If it doesn’t make me feel good,
If it doesn’t make me better,
If it doesn’t challenge me,
It just seems like a waste of time. It won’t receive much energy from me. I am an innocent hedonist. My pleasures don’t need to be ones of flesh or spirits or vices. But these pleasures need to captivate all my senses.
Nature does it, but it’s really the ocean.
I can taste the ocean before I see it; I can feel the mystique of nature by contemplating the vastness of this entity, fathoming the depth and life of it almost equivalent to trying to fathom space. It is the most mysterious thing we witness on Earth, and some of us build the courage to step foot in it and experience it.
Every time I see her from Changz, my heart swells.
The only other time I’ve felt that way is when I was in the valleys of the Smoky Mountains. Stupefied. Awed. Dumbstruck. It rattled me so deeply, I suddenly possessed an overwhelming desire to be them – yes, the mountains while also experiencing a polarizing duality: fear, sparked by the purposeful and undeniable craftiness of our God, a master of His work, always reminding us of humility, our insignificance; we should just be happy to be here, to bear witness of His gargantuan creations. After all, mountains are the giants of our world.
It feels good to know nothing really matters.
January 30th, 2024
“Last night under the stars in a pasture in our sleeping bags, I poured my guts out and said things I was afraid to admit even to myself. And you know, it felt good and not as hopeless as I thought. All that had been inside for so long.” –
David Sedaris, Theft by Finding
January 23rd, 2024
I am addicted to music. I get in the car in the mornings and have to force myself to listen to silence on the way to yoga, because that’s where all the answers are. In the silence.
The things I’m most excited about these days are my new toaster and Bar Keeper’s friend cleaning my stained pots. It’s often like this with Conference. I cannot see my life over the mountain.
I just know hot days, sunshine, and moments of loving are coming. In the summer, I boil under the sun and hold my breath underwater to watch all the light dancing on the pool floor. Not only is it really beautiful, but it’s the best silence you’ll ever hear. Sometimes you can hear voices from the surface, but still they sound really far away.
My favorite is when I’m on the plane going traveling a serious distance! I’d like to imagine I will disappear and spend my life on a beach somewhere reading books. I lie to myself often and say that’s what I’d like, but I do enjoy people. The right people.
January 21st, 2024
Well, Nikki, you are 27 and you still live in that perpetual state of desire, completely insatiable for every passion life has to offer.
I am so me. I fucking love that! I love that I am constantly searching, but content where it matters, present when important. Still in this adult phase, I am able to play and laugh and love like a small child. The big ball in my chest, that bright light, my SOUL may dim at times, but it never extinguishes.
I am so blessed I could cry.
January 16th, 2024
All my life, I lived in the south. Now, I’m surrounded by snow.
The entire process is interesting. I bundle up, I go outside with Frasier, my foot descends onto the snow. crunch.
then, the pitter patter of a casual stride. crunch. crunch. crunch.
the neighbors try to talk to me but I’m too busy crunching, my boots squeezing the ice powder beneath me. “whaaaat? I’m really sorry, can’t hear you!” crunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunch.
on a bright, white day with pockets of sunshine i get to revel in just enough of a second to hear what’s left of the birds who decided to endure. there’s the bite of 10 degrees Fahrenheit on the tip of my nose and i gaze through frosted eyelashes.
January 15th, 2024
Life is truly a fairytale and adventure, and although some events may not favor your preferred narrative, the best happens, the worst happens – it all fades into a memory.
I heard when we die we experience a montage of moments – you know, your life literally flashes before your eyes. You loved some of it, you hated some of it but man, it is so beautiful; a life we feel is tailored only for us that most likely has been lived three times over.
At the end, you’re just thankful for the experience and inevitably you move on – into the abyss, into the light, whatever. But you move on. You can’t help it. The thought makes my chest tighten.
I can’t help but to get a little in my head about it sometimes. I’m grateful.
January 12th, 2024
“Fantasies have to be unrealistic because the moment, the second that you get what you seek, you don’t, you can’t want it anymore. In order to continue to exist, desire must have its objects perpetually absent. It’s not the “it” that you want, it’s the fantasy of “it.” So, desire supports crazy fantasies. This is what Pascal means when he says that we are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness. Or why we say the hunt is sweeter than the kill. Or be careful what you wish for. Not because you’ll get it, but because you’re doomed not to want it once you do. So the lesson of Lacan is, living by your wants will never make you happy. What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideas and ideals and not to measure your life by what you’ve attained in terms of your desires but those small moments of integrity, compassion, rationality, even self-sacrifice. Because in the end, the only way that we can measure the significance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others.” – The Life of David Gale
December 10th, 2023
I am on the east coast, and I never thought I’d like DC so much. I have really great times associated with the city as well. The food is good and the men wear suits.
Jon and I laughed the entire time. This whole day I stayed inside and admired Kelly’s plants. On the east coast, it’s Cayla’s birthday but on the west coast she’s still 26.
You know how they say time flies when you’re having fun? I really don’t think that that’s true. I think time slows when you’re having fun, because every moment matters.
In the best of times, sometimes I count every second, sometimes I mark my memory with that very moment. And I realize I am very much alive and I have loved and the future is filled with endless possibilities.
November 25th, 2023
Looking at myself on camera stuns me. Also kind of annoys me – I just look at myself all day especially while editing and it just really gets annoying. I also stare at all my flaws and try my best to ignore them. Sometimes I kind of like them, but right now… just annoyed.
I have no choice but to heed my own advice now. I’m beating my own words into my head watching my videos. I kind of had a little anxiety today, because of how uncomfortable this all is…but everything is always uncomfortable at first.
Secretary is my favorite romance movie of all time. It explores the eccentricities of relationships and how as long as two people are happy in their bubble, their rules are the only ones that matter.
November 17th, 2023
I like to stand still. No further action required! Everyone always wants to act on every feeling, every emotion when they have the chance. I just like to feel it and I’d like to keep feeling it. I want to bottle it up.
November 16th, 2023
The thing about love is I talk about it too much. Not often but when I do I just have too much to say. I realized that with Landix. He seems a little more open to the idea of pursing a deep romantic relationship – in general, I mean. When he talks about it, it makes me think I’m just not ready.
I also feel as though I’m looking for something extremely specific. I’ll know when I find it. Nothing particular comes to mind in terms of this idiosyncrasy. It will shine in him and it will be effortless. There’s many sides of me so I often wonder which one I want him to compliment best.
Avery and I thought about cold plunging in the ocean last night but the waves were too rough. I still don’t think I would’ve minded. Anyway, my flight was delayed 5 hours and a random woman talked to me about getting back to Salt Lake City.. All I could think about was how far away it was from here. She also mentioned she used to be an addict; I don’t really know what to say to those things!
I think we got along pretty well, though.
October 24th, 2019
Truth.
Powerful word. The extent, the meaning, the depth of….truth. As we shine light upon darkness, what is the truth.
August 18th, 2019
Certain conversations, as the one I am about to speak, leave me in a state of confusion. Upon a message from Brake, after a good year, he spews tripe, a racketeer of words, and I so dizzily agree to his intercession and deposit into our intelligent conversation.
I can say now that I do not mind Brake. He is someone who comes and goes, who I have no care or feeling toward. Yet, his conversations provoke thought.
We recently had a conversation on the ‘intrinsic ability’ to understand. I confessed to Brake that I love that I will never truly know him and he asked me why I feel the way I do. I told him, why, it just is. This launched a discussion in which he concluded I am ‘not the wind’ and nothing just ‘is’. He told me that if I didn’t care to explain, why, I should’ve just said so instead of speaking foolishness. I told him I do not care to understand the feeling, but Brake has a weakness as it pertains to ‘insulting’ his intellect and claimed that I did so. I said, “If you care for me to insult your intellect, would you like me to tell you what to think since you cannot form a thought of your own?”
Not everything is meant to be understood, namely due to the fact of wonder that rises from the floor of the Earth and mystery that descends from the light of the Heavens. To understand everything is to never know peace. In what type of Hell is that? If I were to truly understand everything that has happened to me, to people around me, for I can hypothesize or theorize why these things happen, but truly no one ever knows, for thought is admirable but to claim to understand everything is quite loony; this is how one suffers. To care to understand everything would mean I must want to understand others, and sometimes, I don’t care to do that at all.
I concluded then, Brake will never know peace.
March 16th, 2019
Dear Karen,
If you’re reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it, so good for me. You don’t know me very well, but if you get me started, I tend to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me. This is the hardest thing I ever had to write.
There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, I wasn’t one the make it was a perfect storm. She said one thing and I said another and the next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation.
Now there’s this feeling in my gut that she might be the one. She’s completely nuts in a way that makes me smile highly neurotic, a great deal of maintenance acquired. She is you Karen, that’s the good news.
The bad news is that I don’t know how to be with you right now, and that scares the shit out of me. Because if I am not with you right now, I have this feeling we will get lost out there.
It’s a big bad world full or twist and turns and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could of changed everything.
I dont know whats going on with us and I can’t tell you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me… but damn you smell good, like home and you make excellent coffee that has to count for something right? Call me.
Unfaithfully yours,
Hank Moody
March 8th, 2019
I’m in pants the color of a sunflower, and they hug then flare like a blooming flower. Lexi and my mom are engaged in conversation talking about murderers. We’re in the den.
Things have been a bit peculiar. Maybe I’m shedding skin.
February 24th, 2019
Humans have somehow fabricated the idea that life is meant to be fair. Maybe I missed out on the rulebook when I came out the womb? Other than sheer luck or blessing, is why life has been unfair to you thus far. Anything absent of that is existential consequences of taking part of this thing we call LIFE. Life consists of sadness, anger, death, fear – we were never not promised any of these things – happiness, love, excitement, magic, and purpose. Rumination: to continuously think about the various aspects of situations that are upsetting.
In Charles Frazier’s ‘Cold Mountain’, he wrote:
“That’s just pain she said. It goes eventually. And when it’s gone, there’s no lasting memory. Not the worst of it anyway. It fades. Our minds aren’t made to hold on to the particulars of pain the way we do bliss. It’s a gift God gives us, a sign of His care for us.”
Ponder life too deeply and you will miss the magic of morning and the mystery of night.
February 16th, 2019
Lafayette is nearly a ghost town; I only feel at home when I take hilarious adventures with Gideon. I watched him eat a hamburger today. He fell asleep holding me while I watched Animal House.
February 12th, 2019
There is a very distinct vision I’ve had for some time now. I live on a beach, somewhere, and I hear the waves crashing on the shore outside. It’s overcast and a huge window faces the ocean. I’m not really sure where I am, but I can feel books nearby.
I am still trying to figure out what exactly I don’t like about ‘school’. I love to learn but when I am sitting in those classrooms, I feel incarcerated…yes, incarcerated is definitely the word I’d use. It makes me ache to change the teaching environment. I’d love to be a professor.
I’ve decided I am washing feet this summer.
February 4th, 2019
It is nice that Gideon serves as my second mind. He is so resourceful. I miss him very much. God is all we need.
January 20th, 2019
Women in Love // D.H Lawrence – Chapter 3: Class-room
January 13th, 2019
Me, Anna, and Henry are cuddling watching The Punisher. Me and Henry just got done eating sour candy. I’m seeing Gideon in two days for the first time in weeks.
January 8th 2019
In Lafayette Square off Camp St., I shot with Joliet May and Malik Williams, both amazing artists in their own right, photographing me on a Tuesday evening. Joliet kept telling me to ‘Go off’ (I did in my pictures, as you can tell. Also, incase you’re reading this when you’re super old Nik, it means YAAAAAS. YOU GO. DO YO THANG GIRL). The night felt like a New Orleans history book and endless possibilities.
Somewhere between Gallier Hall and my car, my license fell out my pocket. That’s the DMV early tomorrow morning, boss.
Von: Hey how would you like to play a part in my EP? All it requires is a voice memo you wouldn’t mind being placed at the beginning of a song. The idea is to make my project feel like one big conversation & the songs are just my way of relating to or explaining what others feel showing that they’re not alone Simply finding my purpose (Which is why my ep is titled pimp: purpose is my passion) In this EP, I’m a blind man though that’s the catch Me: It would be an honor and blessing Von!!!!!! OMG Thank you for thinking of me and choosing me! I would absolutely love to take part!
For some reason, I feel distance with my parents. Maybe it’s time to head back to college. They’d never say it, and they probably don’t even know it…but maybe I’ve overstayed my welcome. Am I wrong for thinking that? It feels odd. I’ve been doing so many things out my comfort zone and I haven’t been telling them anything. Do I feel like they don’t care? I know they care. It’s just so hard for our generations to understand one another and my parents are’t necessarily creatives…hmm.
Guess we’ll see.
January 7th, 2019
Yesterday was my first time wearing a collar under a turtle neck (thanks Lyssa). It looked spiffy and professional. It would not be my last time wearing that fit. The drive to Gentily was decent since I was on the phone with Gideon, but it took me about four hours to consult with my customer. I didn’t mind though. Hearing a different voice speak so much was refreshing.
A few hours later I pulled up to Anna’s house. The first person I hugged was Jay; he spun me in our embrace and I felt like I was floating. I hugged Zac, and I can tell he’s elated to be with us. Anna and Jordan were sitting in the car; I opened the door, kissed Anna on the cheek and held Jordan’s hand. “Hey guys!!! I missed you so much! How was your day?” Henry was in his car; I knocked on the window and told him to hold my hand, he looked at me like Henry does and goes, “Why.” Love. Zac brought a friends with him – Cube. Quiet, but I knew if given a chance, he might have a lot to say. He thought I was crazy, that I knew for sure.
We all went to the backyard and sat in Anna’s patio chairs. It’s about 11:30pm. Jay and Heath have been dating for some time now. The air pierces all the creases in my body and my fingers are numb. Anna pulleys the umbrella above us and there’s stars inside. ‘Superconnector’ is on my iPad; Cube and I are the only ones who don’t smoke. Eventually, it is only Anna, Jordan, and Zac left.
We talked about a lot. It’s so cold, my feet were frozen and static spreads through my sole every time my shoe touches the pavement. My breath smoked in the air. We shivered under our words.
There’s a few things I figured out:
- Jordan is one of the strongest human beings I’ve ever met. She is so gentle under her armor of steel and no doubt a warrior.
- Zac laughs more than anyone I know, maybe almost as much as myself, and I really love that.
- Henry is going to be okay.
- Maybe in the midst of us talking about love and life, someone’s life changed just a little bit. Everyone chooses what they receive.
- I love people.
This afternoon I spoke with a hurting Mars on Facetime. He’s hurting; I’m hurting. For the first time, I knew there was nothing I could say; a man in love and a man in the midst of losing his love are humans with a force of nature.
He raised his voice, he got quiet, raised his voice again, and remained quiet. Losing a love is hard. I prayed for him and prayed for the world.
January 5th, 2019
Last night, me, Lyssa, and China went to eat at Gordon Biersch, a pretentious restaurant with disgusting food. It wasn’t that bad, but I’ve had better…at Wendys. I was dressed in a button down collar and a black sweater with black jeans and shiny loafers to take candids for Lyssa’s brand. It was the first time Lyssa wore her red ‘Put God Great Again’ hat. A lot of people are afraid of it, and won’t even look. It amazed me how people form judgements without knowing an entire story. Anyways, I bought a hat from her. She just raised the price from $20 to $22.
Taken: @BakeryBar
Afterward, we went to Bakery Bar. It was me and China’s first time and Ace met us there. We stared at pastries for about a half hour before getting seated. Ace drank a Skinny B*tch; I had chocolate chip beignets and China attempted to eat some cake balls that tasted like cardboard box. I guess you could say it’s one of those try-hard fancy places. I came because I thought there’d be board games, and I know if anyone, Ace is super competitive. We don’t allow allow board games on the weekend. I tried to convince the waitress otherwise, especially while reading ‘Thank you for Arguing’, (look, I’m trying to implement what I learn, ok?) and it was a powerful attempt with unfortunate results. My manager said no. Thanks for trying!
Lyssa got a bad headache. I dropped China off; she’s on her way back to Pennsylvania to finish up her last semester. We hugged, something we never really do.
January 4th, 2019
‘Ego is the Enemy’ by Ryan Holiday has changed my life. Every time I read something, it makes so much sense, the right sense in that it takes me closer to altruism and away from selfishness. I truly can’t believe it.
Last night: The patio. A white plush couch surrounding a television mounted above the fireplace. The day’s gray skies were shadowed by a black night with twinkling stars peaking over thick clouds. Wind blew through the tiny holes on the enclosure and whistled in the air. The pool’s water swayed. Rain tap danced on the pavement occasionally changing its tempo in accordance to nature’s song. The world seemed as if it was all there.
Mars, Rome, Anna, Jordan, and Zac piled on the couch. It was cool outside, so we had blankets. It was Mars and Rome’s second time meeting (I think?), but they clicked as if they’d known each other a lifetime. Jordan just came back from Arkansas – she had an ‘okay’ time. Zac just came from the gym; he was eating Taco Bell. Anna was tired so we cuddled.
We watched Vacation in a fit of smoke, and indulged in two bags of Doritos the size of my head and ate sixteen cinnamon buttered rolls that reminded me of childhood and stomach aches…but in a good way. Rambunctious laughter bounced off the walls and then into the night, somewhere.
The whole time I thought, I live for this.
Everyone left at three in the morning.
The last thing I remember was picking up my iPad and yellow notebook from the table; it read: Radiate Positive Energy.
December 31st / January 1st
11:59pm: I’m at Anna’s house. Great energy. There’s about thirty people outside and this guy sets off an arranged line of fireworks in the street. It’s 12. They blow up in the sky’s fog. So beautiful. I’m screaming, “IT’S 2019!!!! IT’S 2019!!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! IT’S 2019!!!!!!”. I think: I love fireworks. I love them so much. I’m a firework. Someone offers me a beer. I make an subconscious decision that I’m not drinking tonight. I’m drunk already.
2:20am: I’m in a different set of clothes. We go to Red Eye: I’m with Anna and her friend Zac. He’s really fun and we get along well.
2:27am:
Me: Cool. Look for a blue leather jacket whenever you see it! Clyde: You're wearing a Blue Leather jacket? *laughing face* Me: Yep *laughing face*
2:45am: It cost $20 to get in Red Eye. We don’t enter; everyone is outside for obvious reasons. I see an old friend and he tells me he’s running for governor after he finishes prelaw at LSU. Amazing. Governor’s current favorite philosopher is Montesquieu. He has lots of thoughts and he’s super articulate, which is very appreciated. I’ve been out here wishing everyone a Happy New Year. This guy, he will govern. No Twitter. No Instagram. “What do you do in your spare time?” I like to learn. I ask him what he thinks of love, and he says he never does. Think about love. I figure he is too busy thinking about everything else. Read 12 Rules for Life, he says, it changed me.
I tell a lot of people I love them and Happy New Year. For the first time, it really feels that way.
3:06am: Anna is arguing with her best friend Henry. She’s pissed. We’re somewhere on some side street near Red Eye walking to the car. It’s me, Anna, and Zac. Henry follows then stops me: tell Anna I’m going take five Xanax. He leaves. I wonder how to deliver this information.
3:20am: Zac and I are in good spirits. We’ve managed to comfort Anna through her theatrics. At the end of her passionate monologue ‘FML’, she says, “I need a drink.” We’re at Lucy’s. People are dressed up and it feels like a movie.
3:22am: Ace is here. I’m upstairs, he’s downstairs. A bouncer:
“Once you leave downstairs, you can’t go back up.”
Me: “Seriously dude?”
“Seriously”
“My friends are up there. C’mon, it’s 2019. You see that I’m already up here – why would you not just let me go back up?”
Ace laughs at me from the other side of my cage.
Bouncer: “It’s closed. Tell your friends to come down here.” Lucky for him, Anna and Zac come down anyway.
Me: “I wish we could’ve met on different terms.”
Bouncer: “Likewise.”
Ace and I talk for a bit. It’s all smiles and laughs as always. He tells me his ride is on his way. It’s his mom. I decide Ace is one of my favorite people.
4:30am: Anna asks me to drive because she’s drinking. I don’t mind. Zac is drinking too. Anna keeps saying she wants to go to Vinny’s and shoot pool.
Me: “It’s 4 in the morning, Anna.”
Zac: *laughing uncontrollably*
Anna: I’ve been getting really good! I have to know how to shoot pool, I work at a bar!
Me: “You really want work on your pool skills at 4:30 in the morning? Absolutely not you crazy person.”
4:55am: Anna’s house looks empty and dark. Firework pieces trash the street. Her brother and his friends are all awake inside as if 4pm, and I’m thinking this is great. Brains work different around this time. We go to the patio and there’s six of us. We laugh all night. There’s nothing like great conversation and great people.
6:20am: Anna decides to shut it down. She has work in the afternoon.
6:22am: Gideon calls. After a long, upbeat conversation about the magic of our night, we fall asleep.
2018
I smile most of the time – I feel as though there is no other way to live. But I’d be a fool not to say that sometimes, Life is hard and the way He goes about teaching us lessons can feel merciless and all consuming.
People are amazing, because they are the cornerstone of our imagination. They are what make us believe there is more out there, more to ourselves. We build fantasies around them and fall in love and before we know it, they become part of our story and our future and soon, we believe there is no other world without them.
The trick is, we all have our faults, some more disgraceful than others. But who am I to judge? Who are we to judge anyone.
I lost one of my dearest friends this year to blinding desire in which we both acted in a way that destroyed the essence of our friendship: trust, honor, respect. Was it even there at all? The mirror became undeniably difficult to look in, because of my own actions performed out of spite and hurt. Emotions are so blinding. Before you act on emotions, take a twenty-minute timeout. You’re welcome in advance.
Forgiving others is easy for me, but forgiving myself? Well, that takes a while. When this happens, it’s hard to figure out what life is really about. You realize that times will suck even more than this “It could be worse. I could be dead.” and you accept that. But to overlook the life that was given to us that we don’t even deserve? The ability to breathe oxygen stuns me sometimes. To see. To hear. To laugh. To Feel. To BE. There is nothing that will ever trump that.
When I live, I live for it all. The love, the heartache, the fear, the happiness, the anxiety, the excitement, the hurt, the loss, the wins, the lessons, the possibilities.
We choose what shapes our lives and how they will define us.
Huh… Life is strange.
December 29th, 2018
Lyssa told me people have trouble with forgiveness, because they feel as though it’s an action; you don’t do forgiveness, you BE forgiveness. While reading today, I couldn’t stop thinking about Tyler. “TY, ARE YOU EXCITED IT’S ME?” I called; we’re good.
It’s almost the New Year. I’m very excited. Scary. Frogs made a ton of noise outside on the patio, but it was nice and smelled like rain. Anna and Will keep changing the plans for December 31st.
Mom cried today; she misses her dad. It was tough to watch, but I watched. Anna’s going to come over, and I think we’ll watch Venom. We have more than enough blankets. Gideon is upset with me, and I’m upset he’s upset, but I hope we will be okay. A ton of weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
December 28th, 2018
I bought four books from the bookstore. I sat on the phone with Gideon until we both decided on the four out of five I’d choose. The cafe was nearly empty, and it smelled like coffee and chocolate chip cookies. My favorite way to read is in sweats – jeans distract me. Christmas knickknacks and tub salts were fifty percent off. Barnes and Noble felt like great company and a warm hug. I decided to kill my ego today. Anna invited me over for Scrabble.
Yesterday, my dad lectured me about regiment. I made my bed this morning.
NIKKI BYRD — writer, thinker, lover 